A Conversation

 

Have you ever felt like tearing this entire fucking thing down! Setting flame to this cursed house and watching it fall apart, one damned layer at a time?

ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT DEATH?

Purification, man! I am talking about fire. Fire to bring everything crashing down! The ashes..they have potential..not like this…this fucking house….this fabrication, this poor excuse of a..a, what is this anyways..I don’t even know!

CLASSICAL MUSIC IS VERY SOOTHING, YOGA PERHAPS?

Classical music can go to hell! I don’t want your sedative…anesthesia, it’s nothing more! I want nothing, absolutely nothing, do you HEAR ME..nothing to come between me and this moment. I want it raw and uncontaminated…leave me this feeling…it is mine!

YOU ARE NOT MAKING SENSE. GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF..THIS IS NOT NORMAL

Normal! I hate that fucking word..abhor it. You have any idea what it means? They tell you many things…every single day, your entire life they tell you to do this, do that, go here, feel this, avoid, cherish, strive for this, be so and so…I have to go running today, they say..its healthy..don’t eat meat, buy a banana…you should call your friends…they are your friends..go meet them, do something together..or you will lose them….you should go to school…learn this..don’t drink, go to church, remember to vote..volunteering builds character…one day you should have a career and a house and a wife and a god damn white picket fence —– what is this nonsense!

SOME PEOPLE CALL IT LIFE, PERHAPS…

Life! They say it is a gift..to cherish and to live..life! Nobody ever asked me if I wanted a life….nobody ever held this thing called life out to me and said “Look here, I have this thing called life….would you like it? Take it, live!” I tell you, they never told me about what this thing called life really is. Fuck…Freedom, what in the hell is freedom…freedom from what for what and how and what does it feel like and why do I have to have it…why…why..why…does society force it on me…be free, they say magnanimously. Love..another one of those words I don’t understand. Words..where do they come from..yes, it’s a word but what more? Can I feel it, when will I know it when I do? Love hurts, it gives you wings, it makes you go insane, it makes you happy, it..what is it! Love Freedom. Oh God!

It is so confusing..nothing makes sense and I am so angry sometimes

IS IT HATRED?

No

WHAT THEN?

I can’t explain. It is a feeling that comes from my very core, it seems..I get tense, I can’t sit still, need to walk, run, do something..but I am still angry and then I look at this house of cards…yes, nothing but cards..and I want to burn it down and watch as everything falls and changes and disappears and the house is me and I fall and change and disappear and the ashes — rise. The wind takes them far away..away from confusion and anger and the superficiality of it all..oh sometimes it all seems so superficial, nothing seems real or matters.. WHY DOES IT MATTER, WHY DOES ANYTHING MATTER?!

They show me pictures of kids, starving kids, kids with guns and dying fathers and rotting carcasses..so much blood and violence and hatred and they look at me and seem to ask “Will you care..will you take on this burden and care”…

AND DO YOU

Care…fuck..am I their keeper..what makes me their keeper..did I ask for this..I am small, nothing…could I help them even if I wanted to? I can’t stop the bullets or the blood or the starving..and maybe I don’t care..do you…does anyone?! And they tell me about climate change and crime and drugs and poverty and they seem to ask “Will you…do you dare to…care?!..step into that world” And I feel small because I won’t step into that world because I don’t understand anything..not even myself..I don’t know who I am and everything seems phony, nothing is mine..except these feelings, this confusion

AND YOU WANT TO BURN IT ALL DOWN?

Yes, because I can. I can dismantle my life..it is easy. Set it afire, blow it into oblivion..take the dive, disappear.  I can…because destroying is so much easier than to build..to build what? I know how to take it apart..a singular purpose with no rules or structure…..but build? Have you ever tried to build a life? How do you even begin, who writes the instructions and can you even read them? Should you?

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR THEN…LIGHT THE FUSE!

You and your wise-ass remarks. What do you know. I stand here and hold the flame in my hand and it is all so close, before me, within reach. It can all burn…but my hand does not move. WHY DOES IT NOT FUCKING MOVE!!? Every muscle in my body, every single fabric is tense and my heart, it aches and my skin tingles and I cry and howl and grimace until my skin cracks….but….my hand does not move….does not light that fucking fuse that could change it all.

SO YOU CAN’T EVEN DESTROY..YOU CAN’T BUILD AND YOU CAN’T DESTROY…WHAT DOES THAT MAKE YOU?

Lost! I am lost. Oh fuck am I ever lost. Do these feelings even make sense? You called them abnormal…am I the only one? The only one that feels fragmented and scattered…split?!

PERHAPS SOME DRUGS OR A HOSPITAL?

There you go again. What a simple solution. Take some drugs..go to a hospital…hand over responsibility to some chemicals or a stranger. Is that what you want..huh..you imposter. Never! Leave me!

WHY DON’T YOU MAKE ME…

I wish I could, but I don’t know where you are…and if you leave, who will talk to me? I might be confused but at least with you I am not muttering to the wind…at least with you, I am not mad.

LETS GO FOR A WALK THEN

Where to?

DOES IT MATTER?

I guess not

THERE YOU GO

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