My thoughts are leading me into dark alleys I fear the dark I don’t want to get lost in it
I have to ask you something and don’t lie to me
A mother somewhere far away lost her two children today They were brutally killed in front of her eyes The life was snuffed out slowly deliberately to her agonizing screams
They were so young and innocent She too wasn’t spared raped for hours by faceless strangers for fun for the hell of it Left alone and empty and shaking
I don’t understand how this women can keep on living Where does she find the strength? From what reserves of willpower? is she nourishing her life? How can a smile ever find its way onto her face again?
A young woman far away took her life today Jumped from a bridge into the cold currents below She was carried away shocked on impact freezing unto her death. Her family loved her her friends joked with her her teachers praised her Where did she lose her strength to go on?
What broke her and what did not break in the mother?
Today a man in a far distant land saw his last cow die from thirst and starvation the rain had not arrived his pleas had not been heard Today as for many days now, he does not feel like a man cannot provide for his family cannot keep them alive The rains do not come and will not come and this man will keep on going and would prostitute himself for the smallest of chances that his family may survive
God, where does this man find the endurance the love and the humbleness to do as he does for one life, two life, his family’s life not even his own?
Today a father drove his son to the outskirts of town and in the dark of the night prostituted him to a stranger for but a few handful of dollars dollars for smokes and dollars for whiskey and dollars for an innocence lost for a life changed forever
God, where and when has this man lost the ability to hear his son’s screams of pain what made him trade another’s body his own son’s body and soul for but a moment of pleasure?
God, what separates these two men WHAT! I can’t sort it out
Tell me God – please – how can I navigate these absurdities?
One saves the other destroys and both are as one my brothers?
Tomorrow a young man will sit in the bathtub and will fight to think clear his head reason
He will be sobbing and feel his heart b[l]eating He will hold a knife and stare at his face in the mirror He will have almost made up his mind that today, he will depart end it all. And he will place the knife to his veins and for a moment he will feel shame. Shame that he,
wealthy healthy with a job money a park to go walking in intelligence a guitar to play on should want to end his life He will look upon the misery of this world briefly a misery seemingly more deserving of pity and of tears a misery more true than his and he will feel ashamed in his weakness in the face of their strength; and his shame pushes him over the edge worthless a worthless life with worthless integrity and worthless feelings and a cruel heart not worth loving and yet shame he will cling to the thought that he should have strength to stop that knife and live but not finding that strength his thoughts muddled unclear and his hurting deep he will strike the knife into flesh and draw forth blood. And he will sink into the water.
God. What has made that young man view his life as worthless? Why does he feel
that his pain is shameful in the face of worldly misery?
God, is one pain or one suffering worth more than another and why do we trivialize some tears over others God, is this man not utterly lost in himself? Who can find him? God how much is a feeling worth?
Tomorrow a women in her prime strong and full of laughter full of hopes and dreams and romance will accept the unacceptable. One life for another Her life for her daughters The choice will be put to her in the hospital as she waits to give birth to her daughter a daughter she had always wanted and would have loved and see grow up and become a lover herself a daughter she would have played with held comforted sang to The choice is one, not both and the women will chose to give life in her death And her heart will be beating her hands shaking her lips quivering and she will be afraid utterly terrified of the dark of not living yet she will depart for her daughter
God how can one person in love with life and fearing death chose death and one lost in life fearing life and wanting death die God where does the mother find the courage and where has the man lost his? Why must both die Why does one see only bleakness and the other beauty are lifes so different from one other?
God I ask you these many questions and you never answer and I wonder if you don’t because you can’t find answers to my questions
God this life appears irrational chaotic and sometimes trivial in the face of it all
I am searching for a connection an understanding some clarity comfort and unearth only questions?
And where can I go from there what am I supposed to do with questions?