Running Ever Since

lady handshake

I have been running and running and running and still I have not found them all. Scattered, they linger in places unknown that wait for discovery; at least this is what they tell me. I have found some here and there, some high, some low and gathered them all and the more I found, the more I wanted and needed and I grew hungry; yet I did not eat, for every breath and every beat of my body signaled the winding down of a clock that led to oblivion; before I disappear entirely, become dust and smoke and memories I want to – need to – be one and complete within myself.

You see why I cannot rest? I cannot rest but must search and press onward, upward and gather gather gather, for I am in a realm of hungry ghosts and I am the scariest of them all, and I run from myself, in myself; for myself?

I came upon a river once, a mighty river! and dipped my hands deep into its currents, for there appeared to me a secret in its flow; I grasped and felt the cold and attempted to hold movement in my fingers and extract from it a piece, my piece; yet another. Nothing! Water rushed through my fingers and would not be stopped, tamed, encaged and so I moved on for the night was near and today no stars dared to reveal themselves for I would have surely tried to pluck one from above and pocket it; water had deprived me, taunted me, made me a fool. Denied! but I must move on and on and the moon watched as I stumbled and howled my way into restless sleep.

Trickery! Once I came upon a map and behold! it revealed them all. Small and big and quirky in their peculiarities. And yet, they would all fit together – I would make them fit – and I would be, oh, I will be one and understand it all; this frightening assemblage of worldly things and phenomena and oh!, how I still stand confused and vulnerable; shivering… I loathe you, shivering me. Be gone with!, Uncertainty and Fear and Smallness and yes, in their stead, I will place and find bliss, be bliss and complete and in control.

For days I floated on the highest of clouds as I contemplated and relished such a find and future and then I sat out to find them all, to bind them all within myself.

So eager was I to get on with the finding that I failed to read the message written in the smallest of prints and I rolled up the map and followed where it led and I gathered them, one by one.

A butterfly I caught from flight and balloons, two doves and hundreds of daisies, diamonds, gold and fish. All I disturbed, unearthed, consumed and threw into myself, stored and kept and whilst they clamored for freedom I ignored them and moved on and on but oh, the trickery! They all broke and died and one morning I found naught but dust in their stead. I clawed and cried and languished in anger for the map had read ‘handle with care’ and carless I had been in their stewardship and so they had slipped away; unreadable and out of place.

I came upon a flower once and in its beauty I believed to see what was mine to take and use; yet another piece of my puzzle…. move it left, no right, there, no, yes, here it fits! I stood and stared and my hands wanted to pluck it up and take it away with me and move on, for time was running down but here I stood, as if hypnotized and borrowed time for myself – for this moment to last but a bit more -, from where I do not know, for the flower was complete within its place and there was peace. I dared not move. Beholden I stood and breathed. Deeply.

I glimpsed that without the flower the mountain was a mere lump of rock and not a carpeted giant while the flower would surely have withered were it not for mountain shelter and I stared as webs formed between all beings in this place so that none was alone and all were lifting one another up to and in grace.

I marveled and hesitated and gnawed at the trembling fingers that ended up gently pulling and unearthing the flower before moving on to more – over this final threshold? – and more as behind and under my racing steps a world was slowly crumbling.

On and on I went and driven was I and full of purpose. I did not sit nor did I sleep and I became fast and efficient and neared completion. Oh the ecstasy of expectation!

One day I got entangled in a web of mirrors and I gazed upon myself and hopelessly crazed I thought I glimpsed there in my eyes a piece to claim and before I knew it, I was blind and darkness became my companion as I added the piece to my collection and stumbled onwards.

On the final mountain top I stood and felt them all, thousands of pieces, gathered and fractured and un-made. Strange ghosts were howling and they flew in swirling ascending vortex around my body and I howled and hungry still, I threw my own ghost – I ghost – out to play, and joined together in scream we all created such a sound that my sensitive sight deprived ears yearned for silence and I finally screamed for them all to rest – now! – so that I may hear the being of the final and last piece; dissipating ghosts left silence and I heard it… beating, trembling and faint.

I tipped my head and strained to hear and follow and it appeared to me unusual that it, the final piece, seemed to be within myself; the one final piece rested and waited and it was my heart… and when I reached and pulled it out, held it and added it – bagged and tagged – to my collection I felt myself heat up and start to burn and I was fire and I was dust and I was falling and I was crumbling and dispersing and dissipating left right center upon air and wind until none remained of me. Into eternity subsumed and recalled. A possibility. A manifestation. Whooosh…

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